Goals & Videos

2-cap England wonder Stephen Warnock shows us what we were missing at the World Cup with a perfectly timed, stooping header into the bottom corner past Shay Given.

The big man does all he can to keep the fans pleased by playing up to his chant, “Don’t blame it on Biscan, don’t blame it on Finann, don’t blame it on Hamann, blame it on Traore. He just can’t, he just can’t, he just can’t control his feet…”

Lumbering Tony Popovic shows he doesn’t know his arse from his elbow, and in the process scoring one of the Premier League’s best ever own goals against a quality Portsmouth side boasting Shaka Hislop, Nigel Quashie and the Yak, to name but a few.

It’s fair to say that Gareth Barry divides opinion amongst England fans. But no one can argue that here, Baz shows a wonderful attacking instinct by picking out the bottom corner past the wonderfully groomed Joe Hart.

ITV’s second-most favourite gobshite Lee Dixon here shows perfect vision to lift the ball over big Dave Seamen in the first few minutes of a 1-2 loss to Coventry.

Famed for his faultless penalty taking and forceful defending, here the ice cool invincible controls the ball and shrugs off his attacker before slotting home a perfectly timed left footed shot past the hapless Jens Lehman.

Enckelman’s embarrassment at his howler is softened by the kind fan who runs on the pitch and shows him the best way to brush his teeth. He may have looked like a tit in this Second City Derby, but at least Enkleman has the last laugh through a perfect set of gnashers.

Strong, agile and a wonderful leader, Kompany here shows everyone his softer side, kindly gifting lowly Fulham a precious goal against the eventual champions. What a finish, and one that’s sure to see Joe Hart tearing his beautiful dandruff-free hair out.

Back in the days when the noisy neighbours were more Nono than Yaya, Jamie Pollock (nope, me neither) does his best impersonation of Gazza in ’96 with a wonderfully instinctive flick over the attacker, before planting a bullet of a header past his own goalkeeper.

Writing anything about this goal seems strangely wrong. As I tell my girlfriend bi-weekly, relax and enjoy the best six seconds you’ll have all day.